This week was a hard week for me to be honest. Sister Allen and I were really stretched thin with our time (and our emotions). We were everywhere in the mission this week helping other sisters and going to meetings, plus our interview with president palmer happened as well. We are trying so hard to know how to help the sisters in our stewardship best and it is pretty draining. We are so invested in each of these companionships and we love and pray for them so much. The mission is fairly new still and our number of new sisters really outweighs our number of experienced sisters so we have a lot of new sisters with concerns. We are trying to learn where the line is of stepping in and when to hold back and have faith that they this is an experience that they just need to have on their own. My interview with President Palmer this week helped give some clarity on the issue in some ways but he is a very hands off leader. He does not just throw answers at you, he asks you questions that help you come to it yourself. In a sense he puts all the dots out there for you and lets you connect them, and maybe there are several different ways to connect them but he makes it very clear that is for us to decide. He trusts we are willing and capable to receive our own revelation for not only ourselves but for the sisters we work with as well. So I am learning a great deal from him but it is a hard process for me.
Also Some of our most solid and faithful investigators are not really making time for the Gospel or for us as of lately which really makes me ache. I have seen them make changes in their life, come closer to Christ, and feel of His spirit and they are choosing to put it on the back burner. I am constantly asking myself am I doing something wrong? Okay this might sound kind of whinny and probably prideful of me but this is the thought I have been trying to combat all week (no judgement zone please) : Why are things not going better in my area, I am working hard, I am making sacrifices, I am being obedient? Why have I not seen baptisms happen? I look around and others are having more success and baptisms than I am...am I not as good as missionary? How much harder do I need to work? How much more faith am I required to have? So you get the point. Those questions have been circling my head constantly this week and I am trying so hard to fend them off. The icing on the cake was this one lesson with this investigator who we love to death. He is so sincere and so open to the gospel. We felt like we should ask if he wanted a baptismal date...before we could even ask he told us that he wasn't really wanting to commit to church, or reading or being a member but would want to meet still and know more. It was a bit of a shocker to us. I was so so sad that he just wasn't seeing how much the restored gospel of Jesus Christ would help him and his family. How much he needed it in his life. So anyways, you see that this has been the theme of the week for me.
Happy for me though, I am blessed with such an amazing companion sister Allen. I just love her. And yes, this week has been hard for her as well but we have grown together so much because of it. She has dealt with these feelings before (she has been out 14 months) and she encourages me to turn all of these feelings of pride and discouragement and over self critiquing to the Lord. Give it all to Him. Stop letting it weighing me down. This week I am learning to have faith that I am doing the work that Jesus Christ would have me do. That the only person I need to ask if I am doing all I can is Jesus Christ because He is the only one who knows my heart. I am trying my best everyday to be the best missionary and representative of Jesus Christ that I can possibly be, and numbers can not account for that. I am trying to love and bear testimony to everyone I meet as Christ would if He were here. I am really trying to minister as He would. As I do this, the miracles will come and I can be at peace knowing that I am a good enough missionary. It is hard still and this is not happening all at once, but I am really focusing on it. I need to trust Him more. This week will be better and I will have more faith that things will work out in God's time, and in His way. His ways are far better than my ways. To end, I listened to this talk called the fourth watch by S. Michael Wilcox I think and it changed me. I would highly recommend it.
Happy thanksgiving to everyone, I am so grateful for my family and the gospel that gives us so much peace and comfort, and I am also grateful and happy for my sister sarah being married this coming weekend. I love her and ryan and I am greatful for that blessing for them both.
All my love,